Zay: College is insane

Speed Friending 101

Class has been canceled this week due the ostracization of Professor Ostrakon.(Don't worry; the professor will get over it.)

How to be a Jerk 162A

Lecture One (Transcript)

    I assume the class has already studied the syllabus I have posted on my website, my fifteen splendidly written autobiographies, and all sixty of my research papers on the theoretical applications of being a jerk. As you, doubtless, already know from reading one of my more recent papers, after an extensive period of data collection and analysis, I have found that my eyebrows are the most aesthetic part of my face. As obvious as this seems to the modern woman, there was certainly a, rather dark, time when this was not common knowledge.

    In a moment of exceeding humbleness, I graciously recognize the contribution of multitudes of women who have made countless, exacting studies on the subject. I, however, will gladly accept the recognition I have received from various figures of authority for shedding light on this enticing factoid and informing the general public. As matter of fact, I have already picked out my seven-hundred dollar suit and tie that I will be wearing to the Nobel Banquet that will be held in my honor. After all, it is only a matter of time.

    Now, I will turn the class's attention towards the online handout that was mandatory to print and bring to class. To give a little background, this is a conversation that I had with a particular girl during office hours as we were discussing my paper.

Handout One

She Wantsme: No, I don't.

Professor Jerk: Don't what?
She Wantsme: ...

Professor Jerk: ...

She Wantsme: [sighs] How is your research going?

Professor Jerk: Oh, I don't know. You see, I like to write these very detailed sentences and add           humor into my work. You know how many of the textbooks that professors write are written in a really boring, dry way which makes it so hard to read. I don't want to write like that. I want my writing to be interesting.

She Wantsme: Yeah? [smiles] I can respect that.

Professor Jerk: ...

She Wantsme: [shuffles homework papers; types on laptop]

Professor Jerk: [turns to the fan] This fan blows my hair in a very sexy way.

She Wantsme: ...

    It's time for my shower. Class will be dismissed early today. We can continue discussing all the interesting aspects and implications of my research next class. I know the class is dying to hear it straight from my deep, manly voice.